26th
December 2013, around 3am DST
It
was by far the hardest dream I’d ever tried to wake from.
I
had entered into a very deep sleep for the first time in a few weeks, the
stress of Christmas was leaving my mind, and I had fallen into an easy slumber
whilst watching the Television.
I
do remember having a long running series of dreams, one that I recurringly
have, which entails me trying to reach you. I had your phone number, but
every time I try to call it, the connection fails.
But
I don’t give up. I never give up.
I
just keep trying. But I can’t understand why it is that I can never get
through.
That
sequence keeps playing out endlessly, in strange rooms, different rooms, with people watching me. I’m being
watched by strangers and people I know. I’m trying to keep my cool, not
letting on how lost and frustrated I feel with these futile attempts of mine to
reach you. I can just never get through.
This
goes on for what feels like hours…
I
have this feeling that I need to pee, and in my dream, I’m peeing in front of
people onto a chair.
Then
something happens, but it’s hard to explain. I’m in my own dream, but not quite
fully aware that I’m in my dream. I can feel your presence, but I
don’t see your face. I rarely see your face. But I know without a
doubt that its you. I say your name.
We
are standing close to each other, but it’s not our bodies that are
touching. Even though we are not touching with our physical bodies
I
can feel your warmth
Your
heart beat
Your
insides
You
are inside me…on top of me, enveloping me.
I
am in you.
We
are speaking with our soul mind.
Once
again it’s hard to describe what we are doing, but I can feel my yoni, ripe,
pulsating, generating a current, wrapped around you. You are putting your
energy into me. You are talking to me,
but not with words.
We
are not fucking.
We’re
not even making love.
The
only way I can describe what we are doing is that, we are in total
immersion. It’s as if we have melded into one energy field, and I feel
you plugged into me. We are communicating, within each other, as a part
of each other.
It’s
only when I stir from this place we are, I am between two very different states
of consciousness, and the two states are happening at the same time. I’m still
enveloped in you, but now I’m alone in my bed. I have woken, but there is
still so much residual experience lingering in my body.
I
can hear the rain falling outside my window.
I
feel you trying to hold onto me because you know I am slipping away, back into
my body. You don’t want me to leave, and for the first time, I felt that
you understood and know that we belong together. Without restraint, you
showed your love for me.
I
don’t know how I knew this, in fact, I didn’t know until I tried to process the
dream later that morning. But I do know that it was a heart shattering
feeling for you. Without the filter of your ego, your feelings and
emotions were extremely raw, and you had shown me the depth of your love.
But I’m not sure if you were conscious that you had done that. Its only
because we were so entwined, enmeshed, immersed, engaged, in a truly loving
expression that I’ve never felt before, and that we had both surrendered
to, that I knew it... and then I was moving away because I had to get back into
my body.
At
first I thought you were still with me when I woke up. I think I just expected
you to still be inside me, or on top of me, and it took about 20 seconds for my
mind to register that you were no longer in me... in fact, that we have never
actually even touched physically in this lifetime.
But
in my dream it was so real, which is why I had trouble adjusting to the fact
that we haven’t. I could not comprehend the fact that we have not made
love. We had entered a differerent realm where time was not congruent
with time as we know it here. I don’t know what time we were in, past/
future… I have no way of telling because it felt like we were interacting in
the now. That’s why it was so hard to re adjust my senses to think back
into the current timeline I’m living. I simply could not understand why I
was here, and that we had not actually done what we did. It took me some
time to accept this as fact. I still don’t accept it, because in that
other place, physical body or circumstances do not dictate what is going
on in that plane of existence and relating and experience..
But
I trust those feelings I felt, the body sensations, the heart expansion, the
total immersion into you, and you being inside me as the most real
feeling and sensation I know. I was absolutely devastated once I woke up,
and we were not together. I could not understand or believe that it was
not true, or that we had not actually ever been… it just didn’t fit with my
dream reality.
I
then got up to go to the bathroom to pee, and I came back to bed.
That’s when I sent my email to you, wishing you a Merry Christmas.
I
tried on three separate occasions to get back into that dream state while I was
awake that day.
Every
time I did , my emotions overwhelmed me to the point that tears flowed so
fluently, and I had to hide them from being seen for fear that someone would
ask me what’s wrong...how could I even begin to explain or be understood?
I
wasn’t crying because I was sad, but because I now know how you feel, and it
tore my heart apart.
It
was like a gift I’d received from you,
The
best gift I’ve ever been given.
dormiveglia (n.) the space that stretches between sleeping and waking
"There is a sacred crossing from dreaming into waking, a passage so brief, its possible to miss it altogether. But even a disappearing glimpse of that golden place before feeling, when the Beloved suffuses you like sunlight through a ruby, is enough to drench you in bliss. Soon, the mind takes up its preoccupations, but it lives on like a promise, a fullness subdivided by the forest of our thoughts, waiting for us in the clearing beyond." - Dreamwork with Toko-pa
